We Thought We Had It All

I was working when Violet Wautier’s “I’d Do It Again” started playing. I wasn’t even paying attention at first, but something about it stopped me mid-scroll.

It’s been on repeat in my playlist ever since.

I love that song. But for some shitty reason, it makes me want to cry every time it comes on. There’s something about it that hits a little too close, too deep.

Life at home has been emotionally draining, as usual. My brother has been trying to walk again, still with crutches, but just when we thought things were improving, the pain in his knee came back like before.

My mom’s worried, but exhausted. My brother insists he knows what’s wrong with him because of something he read online. My dad? He avoids it altogether, because getting involved means facing things head-on, and that’s not his thing.

Meanwhile, my parents’ relationship continues to fall apart in front of me. It’s a daily reminder of why I’ve never been in a rush to settle down. If that’s what growing old with someone looks like, then no, thank you.

Sometimes, I feel so stuck and trapped here and feel bad for myself that I want to shut everything out. I have to take a deep breath and remind myself that things are going to be okay. As great as it is to be around the people I love, it's heavy here. Everything feels so heavy, and I long for peace of mind, something we just don't have in this house.

Not with all the unresolved issues that have been shoved under the rug for years. At some point, those things always find their way back. And when they do, it’s never pretty.

No wonder I was such a bookworm growing up. Books were the only escape I had. Stories were my safe space. They still are, sometimes.

Over the years, I’ve been lucky enough to meet amazing people I could open up to, so books stopped being my only friends. But now, with the pandemic stretching into forever, everyone feels so far away again.

And here I am trying to stay grounded with a song on loop. Here’s part of the lyrics from “I’d Do It Again” that gutted me a little today:

I recall when you were mine You used to teach me how to drive You used to make fun of me when I'd cry And I remember how we met 3rd of July, I wore a white dress And your hand was broken, you were in a cast

And we fell in love But we both messed it up You were a storm and I was fire Yeah, we both had enough Of things broken on the floor What were we fighting for?

It was bittersweet You were like a dream And I was your girl on the passenger seat Right next to you We were unstoppable We thought we had it all

We used to laugh about the things That no one else would find funny Just you and me when nobody's around And I remember every second When we broke up in your car I held a smile and held you in my arms

We were so in love But we both messed it up You were a storm and I was fire Yeah, we both have given up It's not working anymore (no) Don't want to fight no more

It was bittersweet You were like a dream And I was your girl on the passenger seat Right next to you We were unstoppable We thought we had it all