Six years ago, my bar exam results came out. I did not pass, and the genuine disappointment I felt at that time was very hard to explain to people. I never wanted to become a lawyer, but I spent five years in law school that I couldn’t take back for that. That’s bound to sting, right?
I remember I was at a salon getting my nails done when it happened. I didn’t want to stay at home that morning because that meant obsessively checking the results online.
At the salon, no one knew I took the bar exam, no one knew how I felt about law school, and no one knew how big of a deal that morning was.
While I could say that I had already known in my heart that I wouldn’t pass, I still held on to hope that I would get lucky - not for myself but for my parents who sacrificed a lot to put me through law school.
Of course, that didn’t happen.
When the results came out and it became certain I didn’t make it, the disappointment I had was very heavy, and it was made worse because people didn’t get it.
I was disappointed that I wasn’t able to live up to my parent’s expectations. I was disappointed that I went through law school for years even when I didn’t want to. I was disappointed that for all those countless nights and days and weeks and months I spent studying and feeling so lost and shitty, I had nothing to show for it.
What now? What then?
I had lots of well-meaning friends who told me not to give up when they found out I didn’t pass. While I appreciate the thought, I could honestly do without the judgmental assumptions thrown my way.
When I said I didn’t want to take the bar exam again because I couldn’t see any point pursuing it for the second time, people assumed I gave up.
When I said I never wanted to become a lawyer in the first place, I get told that I didn’t have to make up excuses because there’s no shame in re-taking the bar exam. It went on that way for a while, and I think until now, some people I know are still convinced that I gave up on “my dream”.
I’m totally over that chapter of my life by now. In hindsight, I have nothing but gratitude for everything that happened - even the five years in law school.
It took me a long time to accept that it wasn’t time wasted because what I genuinely learned during that period is something that I will bring with me always.
It made me who I am today, it got me through a lot of shitty things in my life, and it gave me lifelong learnings that I wouldn't have known had I not persevered over something that broke my heart every day while I was in it.
So I guess happy anniversary to me when life really started to happen right after I failed the bar exam. 🥳 🎉 😁
P.S.
What we see on the surface is rarely the whole story, so if a person tells us something about his life that doesn't jive with our pre-conceived biases, let's learn to accept that. It's their story, and they know it better than anyone else. ☺️
