Failing the Bar Exam Was the Closure I Needed

Six years ago, my bar exam results came out. I did not pass, and the genuine disappointment I felt at that time was very hard to explain to people.

I never wanted to become a lawyer, but I spent five fucking years in law school that I couldn’t take back for that. That’s bound to sting, right?

I remember I was at a salon getting my nails done when it happened. I didn’t want to stay home that morning because that meant obsessively checking the results online.

At the salon, no one knew I took the bar exam, no one knew how I felt about law school, and no one knew how big of a deal that morning was.

While I could say that I had already known in my heart that I wouldn’t pass, I still held on to hope that I would get lucky, not for myself, but for my parents, who both sacrificed a lot to put me through law school.

Of course, that didn’t happen.

When the results came out and it became certain I didn’t make it, the disappointment I had was very heavy, and it was made worse because people didn’t get it.

I was disappointed that I wasn’t able to live up to my parents’ expectations. I was disappointed that I went through law school for years, even when I didn’t want to. I was disappointed that for all those countless nights and days and weeks and months I spent studying and feeling so lost, mentally battered, desperate, and shitty, I had nothing to show for it.

What now? What then?

I had lots of well-meaning friends who told me not to give up when they found out I didn’t pass. While I appreciate the thought, I could honestly do without the judgmental assumptions thrown my way.

When I said I didn’t want to take the bar exam again because I couldn’t see any point in pursuing it for the second time, people assumed I HAD GIVEN UP.

When I said I never wanted to become a lawyer in the first place, I was told that I didn’t have to make up excuses because there’s no shame in re-taking the bar exam. It went on that way for a while, and I think until now, some people I know are still convinced that I gave up on “my dream”.

I’m totally over that chapter of my life by now. In hindsight, I have nothing but gratitude for everything that happened - even the five years in law school.

It took me a long time to accept that it wasn’t time wasted because what I genuinely learned during that period is something that I will bring with me always.

It made me who I am today, it got me through a lot of fucked-up things in my life, and it gave me lifelong learnings that I wouldn't have known had I not persevered over something that broke my heart every day while I was in it.

So I guess happy anniversary to me when life really started to happen right after I failed the bar exam. 🥳 🎉 😁

P.S.

What we see on the surface is rarely the whole story. If a person tells you something about his life that doesn't jive with your preconceived biases, learn to accept that. It's their story, and they know it better than anyone else. It's not your place to insist on what you think they should be doing. ☺️

#gratitude #throwback #memories #lawschool