August Memories and Empty Spaces

The month of August has always been very special and memorable for me. It's Chumchum's birth month, which also happens to be the same month as Bijan's birthday.

This year, however, is different. I don't know what changed.

I don't think I could say I'm completely 100% over Bijan, but for some reason, a huge part of me was just done - with talking to him, with constantly missing him, with hoping and holding on only to be let down again and again, with always hurting and being disappointed, and with being desperate to save our relationship or else waste the almost four years that we had.

For once in a long time, after I sent him my last message, I felt like I could breathe freely again and that I'm in control of my life.

Before, I guess there was always that subconscious part of me that was willing to drop everything if he asked, a part of me that was always hoping and planning things around the idea that he would join me, around all the possibilities that he would change his mind, and all the what-ifs.

Those never happened, and I guess my heart got tired.

And I have made peace with that. With this.

This is my reality and my life. As liberating as it is, I would be lying if I said it doesn't get lonely. It does, and loneliness can fuck you up like hell.

It's just that right now, I don't think I have the energy to start meeting people again. I dunno. Maybe I"ll stay single forever. I'm just so fucking exhausted with investing emotionally in someone who's just as lost as me.

It was Bijan's birthday this weekend. I usually get him a cake from Bake Me a Wish, and I even got a freaking reminder about it like two weeks ago. I just ignored it. What's the point?

I also didn't message him or wish him anything. I feel like I'm making good progress in getting over him, and I didn't want to ruin that because it would be so fucking hard to get out of it again.

So yeah, I spent the weekend with my mom doing groceries and errands. Once she and my brother left, I got my nails done and all that shit just to get my mind off things, even just for that day.

I think I'm doing fairly well, except of course for those random moments that remind me of him so bad that I'm caught reeling and off guard. Those always hit me so hard out of nowhere.

That's what happened to me earlier this morning. I went out to pay our overdue water bill because I forgot about it. I was riding Angkas, and for some reason, seeing those tourist spots along the way reminded me of how we used to be so fucking happy being tourists and exploring Thailand about three years ago.

That's what I miss the most about being in a relationship - having someone to share moments with, enjoying them, and just being happy that the love of your life is there and you're together. I miss that, but I also don't know when I'll be okay enough to start going out again. It's like my heart is just so tired right now.

I'm going to Singapore next month for my birthday. I hope it will help me totally get over this part of my life. I figure Bijan had already moved on by now (that still stings to think about), and I'm way overdue when it comes to moving on as well. Crossing my fingers, I can finally do this.