Sometimes It Hurts Instead

I’ve been home for a week now and so far, things have not been going that well.

On top of breaking up with my boyfriend, we had to rush my mom to the doctor on Wednesday.

That morning, she started experiencing sharp stabbing pain in her left side that flared up out of the blue.

We have no idea what to make of it, and my brother said it probably has something to do with gallstones.

Later that day, the pain came on again to the point that my mom could not move. She was in the car with my brother at that time, so he drove her straight to the doctor.

After turning down my request time and time again that she goes for an executive checkup, my mom finally has no choice when the doctor told her that she has to do it, as well as undergo some other tests to determine what’s wrong.

I’m hoping against hope it’s nothing serious. It’s bad enough that things between her and my dad have gotten hopeless at this point, but with this in the picture, it’s too much.

The thing with seeing the people I love in pain is that it hurts twice as much as when I’m the one suffering.

I mean yeah, it sucks big time when I broke up with my boyfriend. I miss him like hell, and I don’t know when this will stop hurting, but at least I know he’ll be okay.

As much as I don’t want to venture so far as to say that he’ll probably find someone soon who can make him happy, I know he will and the thought of that is killing me.

But if I look beyond my pain, the fact is he’s okay without me and he’s thriving. If you really love someone, just knowing that they are doing well even without you is enough.

In my mom’s case, seeing her in pain and not being able to do anything about is the worst kind that I could think of.

I’ve been there years ago when her own family fell apart and she was blamed for everything.

There was nothing I could do except to watch her cry. I remember thinking at that time how appropriate the saying that goes “you don’t know how strong you are until it’s the only choice you have” was in our situation.

I cry easily. I don’t let people see that but I do. With my mom crying, I wanted so bad to cry too but I had to hold it in and be strong for her because if I don’t, no one else will.

Not my dad, who made it an excuse that the issue was between her family members so he’s not a part of it, who would rather ”not get involved” and not have anything to do with it, and who didn't even express any kind of support, even in terms of just telling my mom that he would always have her back.

Not my brother, who’s too indecisive to actually put a foot down in defense of my mom and flip flop between trying not to get “involved” because he‘s embarrassed and having no choice but to actually stand up for her.

I couldn't count on the men in my family to be strong for us, so I have to be really strong for my mom.

God knows she has her own faults but at the end of the day, intentionally hurting people and acting out of malice have never been part of that.

It‘s really hard, because my first instinct every time things get difficult was to bawl my eyes out. I’m not sure if I have gotten better at keeping my emotions in check but I don’t want to find out.

Tomorrow, we’re driving back to the city, so my mom can get all her tests done.

If I have just one wish right now, I’ll use it on wishing that there’s nothing wrong with my mom and that she’s okay.

My other wishes can wait. Please, please let her be okay.