Run Away, But We're Running in Circles

We broke up. Again.

In my last post, I talked about still not knowing where I stand in his life despite being in an LDR for over two years and about being uncertain whether to keep holding on or not. I guess I have my answers now.

I'm very tired of getting my heart broken over and over for the same reason and for the same guy, but I guess that's the fucked up thing about love - you do it even if it hurts like hell and you'll do it again if it means having a chance at working out or for things to get better.

Except this time, maybe I should stop being stupid and just let things end when they do instead of hoping that the next time around, we'll be able to fix our issues.

We've been through the same scenario so many times before and one thing remained the same all throughout - he never tried to stop me and he just let me walk away.

Maybe I'm just naive but in my book, you never let someone walk away from you if you love them. You don't just let them go without putting up a fight. You do whatever it takes to make them stay even if shit gets crazy because losing them is not an option.

I never got those things from him except uncertainties - insidious little fuckers that can really mess up anyone's sense of self-worth. Was I not good enough? Why was I not worth it? The list can go on.

In the two years that we've been together, we've travelled to see each other several times. That's all well and good until you're hit with the reality that doing that frequently is financially impractical and logistically exhausting. Throw COVID-19 in the picture and that becomes next to impossible.

I was not born yesterday to not know that the reality for LDR couples is for one to eventually move away from where they are if they want to be with the other permanently.

In my case, I have always entertained the idea of settling down in another country for good, whether that's because of my career, my relationship, or just because I want to.

Since our relationship was an LDR, I just assumed that's in the cards eventually if we reach that point and while I know that it won't be easy, it's not something I'm against either.

He knows that as well but guess what? Out of all the guys who are in an LDR and would probably ask their girlfriends to go with them in a heartbeat, I ended up with one who evades that idea like the plague and then whines about how he can't see any way for us to be together even if we really want to.

Well, no shit Jose, you won't see what you refuse to see.

I'm not the type of girl who planned to get married at a certain age or dreamed about my own wedding day since I was a kid. That doesn't mean I'm against it either. It's just that life happens, so if that's in the stars for me, then that's great. If not, that doesn't make me less of a person.

In our last conversation, we talked about our options if we want to be together since traveling like we did is not that easy these days. I can't believe that I have to be the one to actually bring up that I'm okay with moving away from here to be together with him, just so that option could be acknowledged. I feel pathetic for bringing that up tbh.

I mean, we've been in an LDR for two years, so was the idea of me moving to be with him so farfetched that he would never think of it or ask me about it and I have to be the one to bring it up? In my experience, a guy who wants his LDR girlfriend to be with him asks questions like that, say "If I ask you to move here, will you?"

Instead, I ended up presenting that scenario myself at the expense of sounding desperate.

To make matters worse, he actually told me that's it's not that easy - as if he's the one who's gonna move and uproot his whole life, if ever that happens. I know it also entails big adjustments on his part but come on, what the heck?

And like the cherry on top, he asked me how I will move there to be with him long-term since we can't just fly to another country and decide to live there. Well no shit - did he really expect me to do the marriage proposal too? I mean for someone in an LDR and who had friends who married foreigners, how dense can you be to ask that?

I get it that marriage is a big decision and something that requires a lot of thinking and planning on both sides. it's not something to be taken lightly and for someone like me who doesn't think of it as a life requirement, even more so.

Heck, it's not even in my plans anytime soon or in the near future and it's the farthest thing on my mind right now (people can barely even go out right now), but I mean, that possibility is there if you want to take that route, you know? So to be asked like that option was unthinkable was just what-the-fuck.

At its basic, it was insulting. In the context of our relationship, it just hurt - plain and simple. And as painful as it is to admit, it was also very telling of how he truly feels for me. He's not sure about us, he's not afraid to lose me, and he doesn't want this as much as I do.

He's a great guy and I love him and maybe if the situation was different, we could have worked out but this is reality. This is how things are - forever is not on our book and we're not each other's happy-ever-after.

When I think about everything between us, "unconditional love" comes to mind. I always hear that being thrown around like it's the easiest and most common thing in the world, but I never know what that truly means until I realized that's not what we have.

Isn't that ironic?

Right now, with everything else that's been going on in my life, I'm not even sure what I feel anymore. Devastated? Heartbroken? Miserable? All of the above for sure.

On top of that, we had to rush my mom to the doctor today. I'm so fucking done with 2020.