Painful Saturday Morning

Hey.

Today, I'm gonna be writing something different. I'm gonna be writing in a way that has been my escape when I used to write about everything years ago. That is, until I stopped because I started to care more about what people would say about my thoughts.

I started to conform to what is considered as the "norm" or what's more "reader-friendly" or "acceptable" when it comes to writing a blog. I realize that has to stop.

So I'm gonna start today.

This morning, I woke up with a headache from hell. I don't know what caused it but basically, my head felt like exploding. On days like this, I just want to cry because this kind of headache can really ruin all your plans. I woke up pretty early and wanted to start my day right. It's the weekend and there were a lot of things that I wanted to get done. I didn't want to go back to sleep but it seemed like it was the only way to forget about my headache for a while. That's what I did, hoping that when I wake up, it's gone.

I woke up again about an hour later and my headache was worse. Way worse. This time around, my tummy was hurting as well. I went to the toilet and that's when I started throwing up. Like fucking hell, that never happens to me. I felt pretty sick, I felt like crying, and I just felt so alone.

For lack of any other options, I just went back to bed and prayed that I would fall asleep again even if I didn't want to. I don't know why I'm feeling so shitty today. It's not like I stayed up late or anything. Hell, I even went on SL yesterday because I had to get my root canal done. So far, I think that part is going fine, despite my dentist's less than confident warning because of my problematic root canal history. But my point is, I had a not-so-busy day yesterday so I don't get why I'm feeling like this today.

Outside, it was raining crazy, like it has been like this the whole week. From my window, all I could see was the rain, with the fog blurring even the nearest building. It's not really the most encouraging view when you're sick AF but the fucked-up weather also kind of reflect what I'm feeling - shitty and sad.

My headache aside, I did something this week that I wasn't proud of and said some things that I wish I could take back. Of course, I couldn't do that. I know this has always been our bone of contention and I did say I would try harder to not let my insecurities get the better of me but that was exactly what happened. I guess it's kinda too late now to change things and I'm back to where I was before - not knowing where I stand or what I'm doing with my life.

:(