Life Doesn't Make Sense Right Now

Here I am again back in the place I called home when I was still college. In a few days, I'll be going back even deeper into my past, back into our small town where I grew up.

While the thought of finally being able to declutter my childhood stuff and maybe organize what I left before growing up and getting sucked into the real world is somewhat exciting, I am also filled with dread at the thought of going back.

Before COVID-19 happened, going back meant vacation, going back meant I would only be home for a few days and so I should make the most of my stay, and going back was temporary.

This time, it's different. Going back home is indefinite and getting out, or even having a reason to leave, is uncertain. That scares me, to be honest.

All my life, it had been a continuous journey to make something of myself and that means moving forward and not looking back, always moving towards bigger things and bigger goals, and leaving things, and maybe even people, behind.

The thought of going back home in a small town far from the city is idyllic enough. True - maybe I could use a break and the beach had always been a welcome respite that never failed.

However, it's the undercurrent of all these changes that makes me wary. It's the first time that I will be living with my family again since I moved out after high school. I don't know how that will pan out, considering that I'm so used to living by myself and doing things my own way.

Then there's the family issues that they have been dealing with for a while now. I'm aware of them but I have not been around to see it firsthand, so the only thing I could do until this time was to listen to my brother talk about it. I don't know how I would handle seeing these issues for myself and actually being there to watch things fall apart or getting caught in the middle of it all.

Lastly, this has never been in my plans, and quite the opposite of the direction where I've been consciously heading to all these time. It's like going back to the place where everything started - my dreams, my hopes, and my struggles. While I honestly don't have any specific destination in mind as to where my life is headed, like settling down in a different country or something like that, going back home had never been in my options either.

In fact, leaving and moving out is what everything has been about all this time - study well, get a good job, make something for myself, and leave home to start over or settle down in a new place.

At the end of it all, going back home scares me because it's familiar, it's comfortable, and it's so easy to get suck up in all those things to the point where it might be hard to leave. It could also be for other reasons as well, like getting so caught up in the issues that leaving would make it worse than before I came back.

Everything is just so uncertain right now. I don't know where I'm headed or how to make sense of my life. As always, I'm grateful for all the things that I've been blessed with but that's not a shield against the realities that comes with being human - fears, doubts, sadness, frustrations, and all those shitty things in between.

The state of my personal relationship is no better either.

My boyfriend has been very supportive. We're still in an LDR and just made it to our 2-year anniversary last September. I could talk to him about my family issues, about work, about anything. He's a great guy, yet at the end of the day, I still don't know where I stand in his life.

Two years on and he still could not tell his mom about me even though they live in the same house. Two years on, I still don't know what his plans in life are. Two years on, I'm still uncertain what he wants out of this relationship.

We never talk about our future together, which makes me think he doesn't see a future in us together. If I try to steer our conversation in that direction and talk about my own plans (like moving to a new country, working in Singapore, etc.), he's just like yeah, you can do it, I believe in you. It's like he never even consider being part of it.

He's also very realistic about things, which doesn't help. I mean like what girl would want to hear from their own boyfriend that he doesn't know if we'll work out or not, that he can't tell me that we'll get through all difficulties together, or that he can't say for sure that he'll never leave me because - as he said - no one knows what will happen in the future.

Like geesh I get that - no one knows what the future holds but the important thing is you both try to work on it and you actually believe you will work out. It's like he's making a disclaimer early on that I should not count on us being together no matter what happens because it's unlikely.

In the same context, forever is never in our vocabulary and if I leave, he'll let me go without a fight. Losing me is an option he's open to and a reality that he's prepared to accept. I'm not idealistic but that aspect is depressing.

I don't know what to look forward to in our relationship other than seeing each other in our next temporary "vacation", which under current circumstances, is next to impossible. There's got to be something deeper and more meaningful than that to look forward to, right? I can't even say let's get a dog together someday.

So yeah, I'm not sure about our relationship right now. We got a lot of things to work on but my boyfriend is a great guy and I love him. It's just that I don't know whether this is worth fighting for, if this is going somewhere, or maybe it's better to just end it.