Figuring Out My Life

The thing with relationships is that sometimes, it's hard to figure out when it starts to go wrong. Being together is so deeply embedded in you that you rationalize things when they are unreasonable and downplay issues when they start to get serious.

It doesn't always mean that the two people in the relationship are bad people, but in some cases, they become bad for each other. The painful irony is that staying together doesn't help.

Trying to Give It Another Shot 

In my case, we're not even actually together anymore, but stuck in that gray limbo in between - we still talk like we're in a relationship,  but technically we're just friends with no commitment to each other at all.

Before that, we were in an LDR for 1 year and 5 months, and ever since the end of last year, we've been on and off, but mostly off.

These past several weeks, we've been talking a lot, like every day, and aside from the occassional misunderstanding here and there, things have been good just like the good old days.

We were getting along so well that I mustered enough guts to ask him if he wants to give us another shot. This was after I went out on a date and realized that I would rather be talking to my ex instead. 

I know it was totally out of the blue that I asked him that, but I think that was also a good thing because I got to see how he felt about me in that instance - no overthinking, no overanalyzing anything, no BS.

What I got in response was hesitance - the kind that made me question if I did the right thing. Obviously, I got upset, and he kept explaining that he didn't say no. Well guess what, he didn't say yes either. 

After a day of ignoring him and telling him that we should stop talking, he changed his tune. He said that we should give us another chance and to quote, "it couldn't hurt to try, right?"

Taking Time to Think Things Through

The thing is, bubbles can burst in a blink of an eye, and I felt like that's what happened to me. As hopeful and optimistic as I was of getting back together, that incident was like the reality check that I needed to finally accept. 

When I talked to him again, I told him that it wasn't fair that I did that. It should be something that we both decide after giving it a lot of thought, which is why I suggested that we take a break from each other (no communication) for seven days.

Although he tried to contact me twice in the last four days, I'm getting good at sticking to the things that I committed to doing or not doing.

Realizing the Things That I Want

These past few days where I'm just by myself at the condo and not talking much to anyone made me realize a lot of things, especially what I want in life and what that means for me.

I want to settle down with someone that I can make long-term plans with, like buying our own place, moving in together, traveling, getting a dog, the works (kids are still out of the picture). At this point in my life, I want to be with someone that I can actually see a future with.

Beyond that, I want to be with someone who is sure about us and about wanting to be together, to be better together, and to just do things together. I want to be with someone who wants to work things through if they are difficult, and not just decide to end it because it's hard. 

Right now, my ex and I don't want the same things. He is still not sure about what he wants in life, he's totally okay with me going out with someone else because he doesn't want to "tie me down to him" since he's not sure we'll work out (ouch), and his mom still doesn't even know I exist even though my ex and I had traveled to Thailand, Taiwan, and here in the Philippines together. 

I'm Okay

I guess one of the biggest and most unexpected realization that I have this week is that I'm okay not talking to him anymore. I mean don't get me wrong, it can get pretty lonely especially with the whole world on lockdown.

I miss talking to him every day honestly and telling him how it went. That has been my norm for more than a year. Sometimes, I even still find myself saving some pics that I saw online because I want to show it to him (would have been better and cute if he had FB so I could just tag him but nope).

But I think it's better this way and it was actually a blessing that he hesitated because it gave me time to actually think things through.

I don't know if this is just my heart getting tired of holding on to someone who's not sure about me or that my feelings for him is dying little by little (of course I still care) but yeah, I think I'm doing okay, all things considered.