Easy Like Sunday Morning

It’s Monday right now but since it’s a holiday, I get to enjoy a longer weekend.

Things have been crazy these past few weeks, and I know I’ve ranted a lot in my previous posts.

While things are far from being okay, I‘ve come to appreciate my solitude more every day and the calm that goes with it.

Although it’s not easy to be calm when I’m surrounded by chaotic relationships in almost all aspects of my life, it gets to a point where I don’t let it bother me so much anymore (altho I still want to cry over it some times).

You want to leave? The door’s open. You want to give up on us? Be my guest. You want to act like an asshole? That’s on you. You want to be friends? Hell NO.

Yesterday, we celebrated my brother’s birthday. He can now move around as his gout starts to subside, which is a relief. He’s still using crutches to get by.

Playing my role as his sister perfectly, I’ve been nagging him every chance I get about healthy living and exercising, and throwing in the classic “I told you so”. LOL.

Right now, I am in the process of a major cleaning/decluttering of basically everything in our house because we have too many stuff.

My old room throwing some serious “retreat house” vibe. LOL

As I was sifting through my childhood memorabilia and collections, it’s crazy to realize that my sentimentality, the reason for me keeping all those things in the first place, is gone.

I always took it very hard to let go of everything - people, my favorite toys, books, everything.

Today, I realized I can’t wait to get rid of them and start over with a clean and mess-free space.

I guess I could say the same about my personal life. Looking back, despite being in a relationship for two years, I was still so lost.

While it hurt like hell when we ended, being with my ex didn’t help me find myself, didn’t bring with it the security I wish I could find in another person, and we obviously didn’t bring out the best in each other.

He has emailed me recently to ask how my mom was (she adores him) and how I’m doing.

I really appreciate that but at the same time, what happened to us still hurts and him talking to me, acting like a “friend”, is just a reminder of how one-sided the relationship was.

He has no problem being friends with me, acting like nothing’s wrong, while I’m here still reeling from all the shitty side effects of our breakup.

Last night, something made think how it would feel like if I found out he starts dating again and be in a relationship with another girl, how they would prolly work out, and be all the things I wish we had been.

I would rather not know, to be honest, and block him in everything so I wouldn’t find out.

The irony, it turned out, is that’s not so hard to do. In fact, it’s easy as easy could get.

Two years together, but we don’t follow each other on any social media, we don’t have any common friends, heck none of his family even know I exist.

So if I don’t want to find out if he’s moving on with someone else, I could just do nothing and that’s it.

It would just be like the two years we were together - I only know about something if he decides to tell me, I wouldn’t know about anything if he doesn’t.

Unbelievable, isn’t it? It’s like we were so caught up in being in a relationship, but we didn’t do the basics to build a strong foundation of what we had.

That’s over now, and I guess it’s about time to close that chapter of my life.

Moving on, I don’t see myself dating anyone soon, unless he sweeps me of my really jaded and very realistic feet.

Or it’s love at first sight although that’s very unlikely and I’m too suspicious to fall for that kind of crap. LOL.

With how shitty 2020 has been, perhaps it’s better to wait this year out.

After everything that happened, I’ve realized that being by myself, while it can be lonely at times, has its perks. And I guess I’d rather be by myself than put up with another wrong relationship.

Who knows? Maybe I’ll find someone who enjoys solitude as much as I do, who loves dogs as much as I adore them, and who actually knows what he wants in life and has no problem pursuing what makes him happy.

Or maybe not. LOL. I don’t know really, but if there’s one thing that all of these shit has thought me, it’s that life happens when you don’t plan for it.

So yeah, carpe that fucking diem.

I woke up thinking today would be easy as Sunday morning but I got a lot of cleaning that needs to be done and I want to go to La Tegola later so wish me luck.