Who Will Be There When I Leave?

I have a dilemma.

Before that, here’s a little intro - I’m gonna skip the “bye 2020, hello 2021” part because I have enough of it by this point.

Heck, I was all hopeful at this time last year and then Covid-19 gatecrashed the party and the rest is history.

Unprecedented history, if there is such a thing.

Anyhoo, my dilemma. If you’ve read my previous posts, you’ll get a pretty clear idea of how my family is falling apart.

With the new year, things are not really better.

Admittedly, there are okay days when my parents get along somewhat fine and are civil to each other. However, mostly it’s just bad days where they act like the other doesn’t exist.

I’m basically watching two people try to outshine one another when it comes to not giving a fuck about each other. Isn’t that exciting?

Right now, there are five people living at home - my mom, my dad, my brother, my cousin, and me.

Our day starts with my dad going to our other place to tend to his garden and game fowls.

Usually, he comes home in the evening for dinner, which is his way of avoiding my mom. He also doesn’t do any house chores, and just watches TV whenever he’s around.

My mom starts her day by fussing over our dogs (we have a lot), doing laundry on certain days, and cleaning the yard.

She would then proceed to preparing food for our dogs (yes - that many), cleaning their crates and food bowls, and feeding them. This can be really loud, time-consuming, and sometimes would be better if someone help her out. My dad never does, so I try to do it myself.

Meanwhile, my brother has been staying at his room because he could barely walk as a result of his gout. This has been going on since December started, hence his only routine right now is doing an occasional walk outside his room to avoid muscle atrophy in his leg.

As for me, I do the dishes and clean the table after every meal, as well as mop the floor every evening. That’s on top of my work on weekdays.

We don’t have a maid anymore since the pandemic started, so we just try to do things on our own.

I actually have no problem with this, because I’m used to living alone and doing things by myself.

However, I’ve got a really rude awakening when I moved back, and realized it’s not that easy when there are several people living under the same roof.

When you add to the equation the fact of my parent’s disintegrating relationship, stressful becomes an understatement.

Like a side hustle that I didn’t sign up for, I’ve also become somewhat of a referee, a middleman, and a mediator whenever things at home starts to become tense - either because my parents had gotten into a fight again or the other did something that pissed the other off and they are all acting hostile and shit.

When this happens, these are some of the things I’m forced to step up to:

1. Strike up senseless conversations over neutral topics during meals just to avoid dead air

2. Become a messenger whenever they need to say something to each other

3. Try to settle collateral things before they get blown out of proportion just because they’re already pissed off at each other

4. Talk to my dad to calm him down

5. Talk to my mom to reason out with her, which is hard because she always, always sees herself as a victim even though she’s equally at fault
   

After living a calm and peaceful existence in a nice condo in BGC for two years, my home life right now is really a big adjustment for me. It’s also very, very challenging.

You see, I left home when I was sixteen, lived in a boardinghouse all throughout college, stayed in our city apartment during law school, lived in a condo unit in Manila during my law review, went back to our city apartment during my media stint, stayed in our place in Las Piñas during my first year working in Metro Manila, and lived in a condo in BGC in the last two years.

To be fair, I love how I get to spend time with my mom and Chumchum now, and do all the things that I never got to do before because there was always not enough time (like decluttering) whenever I visited home during the holidays.

I also don’t have to pay rent right now or worry about the usual expenses, which is nice because I get to save and buy things for my family instead.

However, my dilemma is that as we start to settle into this kind of routine, I’m scared of how things will be when I leave.

What will happen to my parents if they get into a fight and my brother is just stuck in his room, so no one could pacify them? 🥲

What if my dad insists again on working in the city despite the pandemic, and I’m not around to talk him out of it? 😤

What if my mom gets sick again and no one’s around to help her out or buy her meds? 😭

I really don’t know know what to do when that time comes.

It’s prolly still a long way to go because our country doesn’t even have an approved vaccine yet, but it’s really something to think about.

As I’ve been fond of doing in recent months, I’ve asked a Reddit community what they would do in my shoes, and all I got was a resounding “heck, you’re not responsible for your parent’s marriage. let it run its course.”

I truly understand that but like all things, it’s

easier said than done.

Even if I couldn’t care less about my parent’s marriage, and despite all my resentments and shit, I do love them both and worry about each of them every day.

Who will be there for my mom if things get worse, and I’m not around? For my dad?

On the other hand, I don’t know if I could go on like this for good aka staying here forever is not an option I’m considering.

To be honest, there are days when I miss the perks of living by myself in a place where I don’t have to run into asshole relatives I’d rather not see again.

I also miss living by my own rules, and having the freedom to come and go as I please. I love living in a city like BGC and having my own condo unit where everything is accessible.

These things have been bothering me a lot these days.

Beyond that, there’s nothing new with me.

We got a lot of chilis lying around, so I decided to make a chili sauce today.

I ground them up using the old-fashioned way of pounding them with a mortar and pestle, and no joke - that shit was exhausting. LOL.

My chili sauce turned out really good, but also fucking hot so I guess I need to put a warning on it or something. 😅

For other life updates, my dogs want to greet everyone a happy new year. Meanwhile, I’ll just tread into the new year with caution. 😅

PS

Despite all the pain and heartbreak that 2020 had brought me, I’m still super grateful for all the blessings I’ve been lucky to have and for everyone who came through for me. You know who you are - thank you. 🥰