Loving Him Meant Losing Myself

That's how long it has been that I'm in a limbo of a non-relationship with a guy I can't let go -- and I'm so tired, my heart is exhausted, and I have no fight left in me anymore.

Every time we talk, I'm reminded that I'm not enough, but I still fucking stay.

So many things have happened, but to make a long story short, we met again in Singapore last November. I thought it was the chance for us to talk about us, but we never did that.

When he left, I asked him why he never brought it up, and guess what he fucking said?

He said he didn't know what we would talk about because we already know the only solution to our problem is "marriage," and he's not down for that.

Heck, he's not even down for a relationship, regardless of how it will work out in the future, because "what's the point, right?".

Yet we kept chatting like we were together in the most dysfunctional way.

Last week, I told him how tired I am of our setup to the point that I hate myself. I hate myself that I can't seem to get out of this toxic non-relationship, I hate myself how I'm missing out on life because I'm hung up on a guy who doesn't have the balls to fight for us. He didn't care about that. He just ignored what I told him and went on chatting like I had never said anything. That fucking hurts.

Never mind that I went out of my way to get him something for Christmas, and he didn't even bother to get me anything (because "we're not together"), but taken altogether, saying that all of these makes me feel worthless is an understatement. ,

He makes me feel worthless and not good enough to be in a good relationship, and I've gotten so used to it. It's like red flags had become my norm, and I've gotten good at ignoring them.

Right now, I've cut off communication again, and I hope it stays that way. I want to move on, I want to have a life, I want to meet a guy that I'll fall in love with and want to spend forever with. I don't want this -- whatever we have right now. I just want it to end.