Starting Over Is Exhausting

The month of April started on a different note for me. My mindset has changed because there was no more hoping, uncertainties, and what ifs over someone I wanted to be with and scared to lose for good.

For so long, whenever I made plans about my life, I always took into consideration the possibility that maybe he would want to do something together or perhaps he would ask me to move and be with him, regardless of whether I knew that was very unlikely.

Hence, I never go all out because, as stupid as this sounds, there was always that part of me willing to drop everything for him if he asks.

This time, however, we're completely done, I have accepted that, and whatever hope I had of us working out is gone.

But not gonna lie, there are still moments when it hurts to think about what we had, and I get really sad over that. I still miss talking to him and knowing that he was around because that was my norm for the past two years.

I have to remind myself that while it was nice to talk to him every day, it's not worth it. It won't make up for how awful and devastating it is to ask myself everyday why I wasn’t enough, why he wouldn't fight for us or for me, why he would rather end things instead of fixing the problems, and why he was totally okay if I walk away and be with someone else like I don't matter, like I never mattered to him.

It’s hard, but ending things for good has never been a walk in the park, so right now, I’m just going through the whole process and letting it do its thing - letting go, moving on, and whatever comes after that (hopefully forgetting).

Another very shitty part of this whole experience is the lingering loneliness of knowing that there’s no one there to share things with now, whether it's something as insignificant as a silly joke or a stupid meme or an accomplishment or whatever.

I was so used to telling him every little thing about my day, my life, and my work, and now that I don’t have that, it’s like having a missing piece that I keep forgetting is not there anymore. It sucks.

Just the other day, out of habit, I saved a video that I found interesting in my default playlist that I named after him, and it hit me - like what now? There's no one to save it for.

That moment was also a reality check that I have to start all over again, and more than anything else, it's this part that makes me want to cry.

It has never been easy for me to open up, get to know, and trust someone completely, or be comfortable enough that my insecurities would not get the best of me. And I have to go through all of that again. :(

Right now, I’m not seeing anyone. I feel like I have no energy to actually go on dates. Or maybe I just haven’t met someone yet who makes me want to go out. I don't know.

Actually, I don't have energy for pretty much anything these days. I've stopped checking IG, I barely opened my FB, I've been ignoring Twitter, and put all TG notifs on mute.

Over the weekend, I finally bought a new MacBook that I've been wanting to get for a long time now, as well as a new iPad Mini, and surprise -- I didn't feel a single fucking thing, not even that shallow, materialistic excitement that you get when buying something new.

I'm thinking of getting an Oculus Quest 2 before April ends, mostly because I need it for some metaverse-related task at work, but even that doesn't make me excited, like the novelty of using a VR headset for the first time. Like, I just wanna buy it, set it up, and get it over with.

Man, this sucks. I don't wanna be this gloomy or disinterested in anything. I wanna feel okay again, have something to look forward to. be with someone, travel, and just be happy.