It's Not Supposed to Hurt Like This

I want to cry while I write these words - for me, for us, and for what we used to have and lost.

I know I said that I don't run after people now and that if they don't want to stay, I'll let them go. I broke that rule for you. I swallowed my pride and fought for us, but I'm not sure anymore if that was the right thing to do.

It's ironic because in the past, I was always the one who seemed ready to give up whenever we had issues. I was always the one asking you if it would be better if we end this or that maybe you would be better off with someone else.

You always insisted otherwise. You always insisted that we work things out and not break up. That is - until one day, you didn’t. Until one day, you broke up with me.

I won't say that I didn't see that coming after weeks of constant fighting and arguments. We didn’t seem happy anymore and we stopped talking the way we used to do.

What happened to the jokes, the constant roast, the laughters, the random thoughts that we used to share so easily with each other? What happened to the dreams we used to talk about? What happened to our “somewhat plans” and the talks about our future together?

As constant as our fights were, I was still blindsided when you said that maybe it was for the better if we end us. After more than a year together and traveling to foreign countries and several other places, what you said caught me off guard. The thought of not having you around seemed terrifying.

Then there's the part of having to explain to my mom why we didn't work out. She liked you. Heck, even Chumchum liked you. Without you around, what do I do now? What happens to your promise?

A few days ago, I decided to give us one last shot. I decided to put up one last fight before I let you go if you really didn't want to get back together.

In the past few days, we've been talking again like we're back together but evaded the part where we had to define what we were exactly. I shouldn't have let you do that. Not only did it hurt, it highlighted the fear that I always have of not knowing where I stand in someone's life.

I remember texting you and telling you that it's the last time I would do that. I told you that you need to decide what you want of us because we couldn't go on like that. 

What I didn't tell you was that my heart was tired. I was exhausted of holding on to you because you didn't seem that keen to fight for us at all. I told myself that if that was truly the end of us, I would accept it even if it would hurt like hell.

That morning, you finally replied that you want to give us another chance after being on the fence about it for a while. You said you owe it to us to try and make us work.

It's funny coz in all those times that you were not sure about us getting back together, I was the one who kept insisting about working harder on us despite the LDR, I was the one making conscious efforts to make us work, and striving to be better versions of ourselves for each other. I've never been like that but I tried to be positive and hopeful and optimistic for us. I tried.

That was two days ago. Tonight, after our last chat, I'm not sure anymore if I did the right thing. We could barely keep a conversation going now and despite you being there, you feel distant and cold and I feel alone. ☹️