Looking Forward to Sunny Days

My last post was not exactly the kind of post I want to read back sober, but I figure I won't delete it. I will let it serve as a reminder of how it was for me to get over a guy I should have let go of ages ago.

I'm not proud that it took me more or less two years to completely get over him, but today, I'm happy to write that I'm finally done for good.

Before, even though I wrote about how I was over him, I was never that confident because I knew I would take him back in an instant. That's the fucked up thing about being taught all your life to never let go of someone no matter how shitty things get - you hope and you hold on even when it gets toxic. That shouldn't be the case.

I had my last conversation with him last week. It didn't go well, to be honest, but looking back, I'm glad it happened. I'm not sure if the same goes for other girls but as hard as it is for me to move on, once I'm done, I'm done - like turning off a light switch.

I can't recall all the things we said exactly because I have already deleted my Whatsapp at this point but it basically started with him saying this (I took a screenshot of this) after weeks of not talking to each other because I blocked/unblocked him:

Do you think we should plan a trip even if it could be the last time we see each other. Or is there no point?

It was not my proudest moment but I have to admit my first reaction was yes, I want to see him. I basically ignored my better judgment telling me why the fuck is he saying "the last time"? Are we not gonna try to work things out? Why does he make it seem like it's impossible? I live on the other side of the world, not outer space - we could always travel or I could move. You know, like if there's a will, there's always a way.

That utter stupidity lasted for about a day until I slipped. Yes, I slipped but looking back now, it was a blessing in disguise.

So my ex's name on my phone is "HE'S NEVER COMMITTING". Yep, in all caps, like I need all the reminders in the world to tell me every time he messaged that what we had was going nowhere.

Anyhoo, I took a screenshot of a notification on my phone to send to him and accidentally included the notification of his message - complete with his unfortunate name.

His first reaction was to ask what was up with the name, which was fair. I panicked because I was already looking forward to our trip, and I felt like that would be a dealbreaker. Bright red flag #1. I shouldn't have felt that way if I could count on how he felt about me.

I made up some lame excuse about how it was an inside joke between me and my friend Pao when my ex and I broke up. It's partly true because Pao has always said that he couldn't see me and my ex working out even if I love him because we don't want the same things in life. That shit hits home 💯.

Anyhoo, after I told him my reason, I expected him to deny it or explain himself and try to justify things at the very least. LOL. Do you know what my amazing ex said? He said Pao has a point.

I was mindblown, absolutely fucking mindblown. Here's my ex planning a trip with me to see each other "for the last time" without any plans of trying to work things out. And he just agreed that "HE"S NEVER COMMITTING".

LOL. That was the last fucking straw.

I was overcome with emotions at that point. I was bawling my eyes out, I was mad. I don't remember what I said exactly but it was along the lines of "I hate you, I fucking hate you". I deleted my Whatsapp after that.

Thinking about it now that I'm calm, I wish I could change what I said. I don't hate him (although he deserves a "fuck you"), he's a really good guy, but I'm just done. It took me a while but I've finally and truly accepted that we're over.

Before, I always said to myself how he would be my "the one that got away" guy if we don't work out, but nope. Nah uh. He's not. Definitely not. He's just my ex now.

In our relationship, I never knew where I stood in his life. I was always unsure about us. While I was willing to move to be with him, it was hard because he was not sure if that was what he wanted as well.

I remember we had a conversation before where he told me we don't know what the future holds so he can't promise if he'll always be there for me or if we'll work out. That should have been a dealbreaker right there.

For a while, I've always blamed myself for not being enough to make him change his mind about us. I was willing to do everything to make us work, I was willing to wait, I was willing to move or whatever but obviously, I have a lot of faults - I'm insecure AF, I'm indecisive, and all that shit. So over time, that kind of destroyed whatever sense of self-worth I had. It was tough.

Life lesson learned - that should NEVER be the case in any relationship.

However, it's all in the past, and I have no ill feelings towards him now. That's the thing once you truly get over someone, you get to look at things from a different perspective and not feel bad about it.

My ex and I were not perfect. He had issues, I had issues, and despite everything, I know we both tried in our own way. At the end of the day, we just couldn't make it work.

I'm still scared to say I'm happy because I might jinx it (LOL) but I'm really in a good place right now emotionally.

I'm looking forward to summer, I'm looking forward to my trip, I'm looking forward to opening my business soon, and I just want to be happy and enjoy life.

If I'll find someone along the way, that would be awesome. If not, there are still a lot of things to be grateful for and to enjoy so you know, just gonna carpe that fucking diem.

Have a great day to whoever reads this. 🤗