Finding Closure Is Easier Said Than Done

There are many things in my life that I’m not proud of, one being that I’m still hung up on my ex even after all this time.

I didn’t realize until now how hard it is to close the chapter when a relationship ends.

You see, I made a stupid decision to keep in contact with my ex and stay “friends.” I thought I was strong, that it’s no big deal, and that I could handle it.

Little did I know how slowly and insidiously devastating and destructive it is to be talking to him almost every day.

I am reminded daily that I am not good enough for him to stay, but just enough to keep around as someone he can talk to any time (hello self-esteem, are you still there?)

Since I’m good at being bad, I settled with that. We talk like we used to, I tell him about my day, he tells me about his, and we act like we’re more than friends.

However, I always, always have to keep in mind this invisible line of no return and remind myself constantly that everything going on right now between us, there’s nothing to it - it’s meaningless.

On some days when I feel distinctly forgiving (and more stupid than usual), I think of getting back with him by making the first move. Quite remarkable for someone whose ex made it clear he doesn’t want to be together, right? Yeah, that’s me.

I know it’s dumb, but hear me out - he was my first really serious relationship, and life has not prepared me with anything remotely close to finding closure.

Heck, I grew up holding on to people, memories, and the past, to the good things that stopped, even to the bad things because they were familiar, and as an adult, I don’t know how to let go when things end.

What we had with my ex was good, and I don’t know how to be okay that it ended.

We stopped talking for a few days now, and I’d be lying if I say it didn’t cross my mind that maybe he’s going out with someone else already.

Meanwhile, I’m still stuck at home because our country (bless how incompetent our admin is) still has not rolled out any public vaccinations.

I have all the time in the world to overthink whether I’m still heartbroken over him or not.

How do you be okay with knowing that the person you used to make plans with is now making plans you’re not a part of? How do you accept that the person who promised to be there for you has changed?

How do you find the closure that no matter how much you want to fight for someone, you can’t do that if he doesn’t want to stay?

Every time I think about where my life is heading, my mind keeps taking me back to that part of me that still hopes that my ex and I will get back eventually.

Yeah, it’s dumb. Am I still in love with him? I’m not sure.

All I know is how badly I wish I’ve moved on by now and not hung up on him anymore. There’s no point in hoping we’ll get back together. I just need to find some fucking closure and move on.