Finding Closure Is Easier Said Than Done

There are many things in my life I’m not exactly proud of.

One of them? I’m still hung up on my ex even after all this time.

I didn’t realize how hard it would be to close the chapter on a relationship, especially one that meant so much.

TV shows and blogs make it look so simple: cry a little, cut contact, eat some ice cream, move on. But real life doesn’t always work that way.

You see, I made the (very stupid) decision to stay in contact with my ex. I thought I could handle it. I told myself we could be friends, that I was strong enough for that, that it’s no big deal, and that I could handle it. Spoiler alert: I wasn’t.

What I didn’t expect was how slowly, silently, and insidiously devastating it would be to talk to him almost every day. I am reminded every day that I am not good enough for him to stay, but just enough to keep around as someone he can talk to any time (hello self-esteem, are you still there?)

And since I’ve always been good at being bad to myself, I settled. I let it happen.

We talked like we used to. I shared bits of my day. He shared his. It felt like we were more than friends, but only until I hit that invisible line. The one that says: This isn’t real. This doesn’t mean anything.

And I had to keep reminding myself of that. Constantly. That no matter how familiar or comfortable it felt, it was not what I wanted or needed.

On some days when I feel distinctly forgiving (and more stupid than usual), I think of getting back with him by making the first move. Quite wild for someone whose ex made it clear he doesn’t want to be together, right? Yeah, that’s me.

I know it’s dumb, but hear me out - he was my first real relationship. The first person I let into my life. And life never taught me how to deal with this part... this part where the relationship ends and you’re expected to let go. Clean break. Move on.

Heck, I grew up clutching the past. holding on to people, memories, and the past, to the good things that stopped, even to the pain, because they were familiar. And now, as an adult, I don’t know how to let go when things end.

What we had with my ex was good (at least, I thought it was), and I don’t know how to be okay with the fact that it's over.

We haven’t talked for a few days now. And I’d be lying if I said the thought didn’t cross my mind that maybe he’s already seeing someone else. That thought fucking hurts.

Meanwhile, I’m still stuck at home because our country (bless how incompetent our admin is) still has not rolled out any public vaccinations.

So I have all the time in the world to sit around and overthink whether I’m still heartbroken or just nostalgic.

But really tho. How do you be okay with the fact that the person you used to make future plans with is now making new ones without you?

How do you accept that the person who once promised to always be there has changed?

How do you find closure when the one thing you’d fight for doesn’t want to be fought for?

Every time I try to think about where my life is headed, my thoughts keep dragging me back to him. To the part of me that still wonders what if we get back together? What if we manage to make things work?

Yeah, I know. It’s dumb.

Am I still in love with him? I honestly don’t know.

All I know is how badly I wish I had moved on by now and not hung up on him anymore. There’s no point in hoping we’ll get back together. I just need to find some fucking closure and move on.