Endgame

For almost two years, or basically during the span of the pandemic, I have been in constant contact with my ex. Not my proudest moment, I know, but we've been talking on an almost daily basis like we were still together although we were not.

There were countless of times when I tried to cut off communication because I feel like that's the only way to really move on but with COVID and everything, it's hard. I don't have my friends around to confide to, I can't go out to distract myself, and I'm also back home where I'm reminded every day with everything that's wrong with being in a relationship. It helped a lot to have someone to talk to

My ex was always there, and I could tell him anything about my life because he knew most part of it by now. I would rant to him about what's going on with my family, I would tell him about my work, about what I did during the day, sent him videos about things I found interesting - basically tell him everything. He was someone I could always count on and confide to all those times, and I'll always be grateful for that.

But at the back of my mind, I also know that I'm setting myself up for another devastating heartbreak. We couldn't go on like this forever, and without any plans about us, what's the point of everything at the end of the day?

I tried cutting off communication with him several times before, but it always fell through, and I always ended up messaging him again. And again. And again.

I can't recall the number of times that I felt stupid over that, but to be really fucking honest, I was still holding on to hope that we would eventually work out, that we would decide to make things work and do everything that we can to make that happen, despite all the signs otherwise.

Yeah, it's really dumb on my part, but I mean what can I say - I love him. Sadly, that's not enough to make things okay if the other person doesn't want to fight for a relationship because he already gave up on trying to make it work, right?

At first, he did make an effort to fly out here back in February last year. He said he wanted to give us another chance, but COVID happened and international travel became next to impossible.

Just to give a bit of context, we've been in a relationship since December 2018 until around December 2019, most of which was spent in an LDR since he's based in the US while I'm in the Philippines. We visited Thailand and Taiwan during that time, and he also came back here in the Philippines for a few weeks.

At around the end of 2019, we started having problems and broke up. By February 2020, I was all set for solo travel in Vietnam, Cambodia, and Sri Lanka - mostly to forget about what happened. My ex messaged that he was flying out here to try to see if we could make things work.

He already had his tickets booked and everything so without second thoughts, I cancelled my own travel plans - nvm that almost all tours and accommodations have already been paid and were non-refundable (lol that was an expensive lesson to learn on why I should consider refundable accommodations next time).

But in all honesty, I really wanted to see him and had no problem cancelling all of those in a heartbeat. 💔

Unfortunately, freaking COVID happened, and he had to cancel his travel plans too. Long story short, we didn't get to see each other and that was that.

The thing is, ever since then, my ex stopped believing that we could work out. My stupid ass tried to gloss over that fact and held on to hope, but EVERYBODY GETS TIRED AT SOME POINT.

Heck, I've been telling him how I could travel now, that I'm fully vaccinated, but nada - he doesn't have any comment about that or the possibility that maybe we could make travel plans together now (lol for such a negative person, I sure was too optimistic about this)

Earlier tonight, and for the last time, I brought it up to him and this is what he said:

I wanted to see you again but I felt like I if I did it would end up just putting us through the same stuff and I didn't want to do that to me and you

I told him I don't agree with that because I believe trying again is better (RIP dignity) and he replied with this:

I wanted to travel again, I know we will have a lot of fun, eat a lot of great food, but then we will end up the same

Like a dumbass, I asked him why since were not the same people two years ago. He eventually sent me this:

Because I felt like it always happened and it would happen again and I don't want to put us through that

This is the part where I envy those people who are in a relationship with someone who would never give up on them. I don't know what I did in my previous lifetime to get the opposite.

BUT I'M EXHAUSTED, I'M DONE, AND I JUST WANT TO MOVE ON FROM THIS.

Cheers to what we had and for the first and only time, I'm listing down the things I wish he knew -

• that I posted about him on FB but he never got to see those because "he doesn't have any social media"

• that I wanted to tag him on my IG a lot of times and wanted him to see and like my posts too but again, "he doesn't have social media"

• that I have a Spotify playlist that I wish I could have shared with him but he he was never interested in what music I like

• that I always saved videos I found interesting in a playlist I named after him

• that I always wished we could do things non-LDR couples typically do like going to the movies or on roadtrips or eat out

• that I told him about my travel plans hoping he would be excited that maybe we could see each other again now (what a joke)

• that I always hated how I had to pry to know details about his life because otherwise, he wouldn't tell me anything

• that even after all these years, I still feel like I don't really know him

I'm not gonna pretend I'm totally okay, there will probably be days when I want a good cry but all in all, I think I'm doing better than I expected.

Looking forward to new things, looking forward to 2022 and my upcoming travels, and most of all, looking forward to leaving all of these behind. Aja!